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As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant, he cried out, "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the forest was silent; even the river stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky, saying, "You deny My existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years. But could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued, and the bear put his paw down. The man breathed a sigh of relief. Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."
George Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all.
They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog
fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the
world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed
his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up
with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed
steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dogfight, Bush showed up with a strange
looking animal. It was a twelve-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush
because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10
seconds with the Afghanistan dog.
When the cages were opened up, the
Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's
dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the
American Dachshund -- but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's
neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of his dog. Osama came up to Bush
shaking his head in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened.
We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman
and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian
wolves."
"That's nothing", said Bush. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his
lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they
entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for
them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their
hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a
time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the
preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They
were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication
that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his
many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and
avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The
old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go."
Payback Pain
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Got a letter from Grandma the other day.
She writes: Today I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw
a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come
from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light
had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if
he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that lots of people
love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking
like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For
the love of God! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, go!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
wavin and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a
few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from
Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a "sunny
beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back
seat what that meant, and he said that it was probably a Hawaiian
good luck sign, or something. Well, I've never met anyone from
Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign
back. My grandson burst out laughing...Why, even he was enjoying this
religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet
they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed that the light had changed. So, I waved to all of my brothers
and sisters, grinned, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through before the light
changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all of the love that we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned
out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one
last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
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